


Mistakes

by theredhat13



Category: Derry Girls (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:41:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24454603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theredhat13/pseuds/theredhat13
Summary: The Derry Girls are known for making mistakes, errors in judgement. What happens when Erin hides the biggest secret of all?
Relationships: James Maguire/Erin Quinn
Comments: 10
Kudos: 79





	Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly just wrote this fic for myself but figured someone else out there might like it so, here it is. It's cliched, it's not perfectly in character and it features Erin finding out she's pregnant so if that's your jam then keep reading, if not, maybe don't keep reading.   
> I don't know if I will add to this it will mostly be if I feel like I want to write more, I had just seen a couple of these sort of fics and wanted one that fed into my own version of the Derry Girls. 
> 
> So if you like it, you can let me know, and if you have read it all, thanks.

Erin looked at the calendar on her wall, above the little desk where she tried to study, tried to write something that might one day become a masterpiece of literature. Not that it seemed to matter anymore. She paced back and forth. Under a month until she graduated. She just had to make it through tomorrow, and then the next three weeks. It was possible. She could keep a secret for that long. A couple of weeks ago, she had looked at the same calendar with disappointment, longing for more time in Derry, for more time at Our Lady Immaculate. Now it seemed almost a miracle how timing had worked out. She knew keeping this secret wasn't ideal. And that her solution, to leave Derry as soon as graduation was done, was not without flaws. But in her mind, this plan involved the least hurt to the people, or person, she loved most. And she would cope, she always did. She was strong, pig-headed some might say. With a look over at her clock, the glowing numbers reminding her that it was now 3am, she sighed. In roughly three hours she needed to be awake, getting ready for another school day. A day where she would pretend nothing was going on. Even though she knew sleep would be impossible, Erin still climbed back into bed, hugging the blankets around her. She closed her eyes, feeling the few tears she had managed to thus far keep at bag, fall down her face. If she just lay here with her eyes closed, maybe things would seem normal. If only for a little while.

James could tell the moment he saw her that morning at the bus stop that Erin hadn't slept well. Her usually neatly styled blonde hair was in a ponytail of all things, and she hadn't bothered with her usual make up. He thought about telling her she looked beautiful anyway, that maybe it would cheer her up. She seemed down. But he knew what the other girls would say, they would tease him if he said anything. And besides, Erin seemed to distance herself from him. She barely said a word the entire bus ride, and through their Maths class, first for the day, she mostly looked out the window. It was unlike Erin not to be focused, or chatty. When they got to lunch, he watched Erin push food around her plate but not actually eat any of it. He knew the Quinn's had been having some trouble with Anna lately. Erin had told them last week. Anna had gotten a proper bed and at between 2 and 3am every night, she would wake and go to their parent's bedroom. This of course was met with Mary returning the young girl to bed, and then tantrums. He wasn't completely convinced that was the only thing bothering Erin. Mostly because he had slept over with the girls enough to know Erin was not a particularly light sleeper. In fact he had once nearly fallen over her when he had gone to use the bathroom and she didn't even flinch, despite the noise he had made.  
"Are you okay Erin?" James finally asked, sick of the other girls ignoring their friend's unusual behaviour. Erin looked up at him, her usual smile gone.  
"Fine," she said in a soft voice barely above a whisper. She looked back down at the table, as if it had just occurred to her that she had a plate of food in front of her.  
"You don't seem fine," he replied. Erin pushed the plate away from her. She didn't feel like eating. She wasn't sure she could eat anything without boking anyway. And she felt angry at James' concern because what could she say? She wasn't fine, she was the furthest thing from fine. But she would never say it. Not to him, not to any of the girls.  
"Is Anna still causing a fuss?" Clare asked kindly. She too had noticed Erin wasn't herself but she could see Erin had no intention of talking about it. That much was obvious. James smiled at Clare, thanking her for saying something. He knew she and Erin had been best friends since before they could talk, and if anybody could get through to Erin, he figured it would be Clare.  
"Huh?" Erin said, not having listened properly because she was trying not to think about the rising feeling of nausea. Clare had mentioned Anna. "Oh, aye," Erin added. Easy to just agree.  
"In that case," Michelle jumped in, "let's have a sleepover tonight! Ma has an overnight shift and Da well...he'll sit down with a couple beers and fall asleep on the lounge anyway so he won't even notice."  
"I don't think so," Erin said. She always felt worse at night, and she didn't want to be caught.  
"Excuse me!" Michelle said loudly. "Erin Quinn, it is a Friday night! And we've only got three weekends left before we are graduates. We have to make the most of it. Plus I scored some class vodka from a friend of Macca's. Its home made so it's way better than the usual stuff."  
"I said no," Erin replied. She felt awful. "I need to use the bathroom. I'll meet you in class."  
The girls watched Erin walk away before Orla said "Where did Erin go?"  
"Should one of us check on her?" James suggested.  
"Well not you pervert," Michelle responded. "What is her problem anyway?"  
"Maybe you upset her?" Clare suggested.  
"Why me?" Michelle asked, looking shocked. "And I don't remember doing anything or saying anything."  
"I mean, you are sometimes...just a little bit...mean. Not to mention you're a mouth. Did you say something to someone else about Erin?" Clare said cautiously, looking at Michelle as though she might bite her head off.  
"Fuck off. She's my friend too you know. Just cause I don't back down like you doesn't mean I don't treat her well," Michelle argued. "Why can't it be your fault?"  
"Well what would I have done?" Clare retorted. James wanted to tell them to shut up and just have at least one of them go and check that Erin was alright.  
"Maybe she has realised she's in love with you. That she's a wee lesbian as well."  
"Catch yourself on Michelle. I think I'd know if that was it," Clare said actually laughing a little at the idea.  
"She was crying this morning," Orla piped up. "I saw it with me own eyes. I went to tell her that Aunt Mary wanted her to get a shift on and she was pretending she wasn't but she was. Then she threw a shoe at me, but it wasn't a school shoe so I don't know why she thought I would want it. And then she told me to go away so I did."  
"Fucking hell, I'll go and check on her then," Michelle sighed. "But I still don't think it is my fault. And if it isn't my fault, you all owe me an apology in the form of a party tomorrow night," Michelle groaned, stomping off in the same direction Erin had gone.  
"We may have just made that worse," James said, looking over his shoulder to see Michelle turn down the corridor away from their sight.  
"What party?" Clare asked, clearly already stressing.  
"Charlene's," Orla said. "I heard her talking to Jenny and Aisling about it when we came in this morning. She was telling Aisling that she has this new boyfriend and he is quite popular at the boy's school so she thought it was a good chance for the girls and boys to mix...she also said something about having a new garden."  
"Well, aren't you a fly on the wall," James said, surprised and yet not surprised that Orla knew this information.  
"I'm not a fly James," Orla said and that seemed much more like her usual nonsense.  
"Right, so basically if Erin is not mad at Michelle, we are all stuck going to Charlene's party?" Clare checked.  
"We don't have to listen to Michelle," James offered.  
"Don't we?" Clare said with a laugh. "Come on we had best pack up and get on our way to class. And hope Michelle doesn't make things with Erin worse."

Erin cupped her hands together under the tap, rinsing her mouth before shutting off the tap and looking in the mirror. Looking at her own reflection for the first time that day it was obvious she wasn't herself. Her face without make up looked unusually pale, her blue eyes were red from both lack of sleep and the tears that kept making a comeback after she thought she had it under control. She hadn't even bothered with her hair, she could see knots in her ponytail. She told herself she needed to pull herself together if she wanted to get through the next three weeks without being hounded by James and Clare about what was bothering her. She heard the door open and turned to see Michelle. Erin still felt a little nauseous but that seemed to just be the new normal for now. She was confident she would be able to sit through class.  
"Are you upset with me?" Michelle asked. "That lot out there think you are."  
"Did you do something I should be upset about?" Erin asked, and Michelle shrugged. "No, I'm not upset with you. Any of you. I'm just really tired and stressed with exams and thinking about university and everything."  
"You never usually care this much about exams," Michelle replied pointedly. She knew something was wrong but she could clearly tell Erin wasn't about to just open up and tell her.  
"Well they never meant this much before did they? Besides, I'll be fine. I just need a good night sleep," Erin said.  
"Which brings me back to the sleepover. Come on, it'll be grand. And you won't be woken by a screaming toddler at any point," Michelle coaxed.  
Erin looked at herself in the mirror and sighed. If things were normal, Erin would jump at such an idea. And she desperately wanted normality. Besides, she could always say it must have been food poisoning, or a stomach flu.  
"Aye, you make a good point. Alright, I'm in if the other girls are," Erin told Michelle, who smiled at her brightly.  
"There's the Erin I remember! Oh by the way, you all have to come to Charlene's party with me tomorrow night. I told the others it would serve as an apology for assuming I made you upset. And we can't go with our whole group. We don't come separately."  
"Christ Michelle, we're meant to be studying. Or are you intending to fail?" Erin sighed. "And of all people why Charlene, I mean..."  
"As if you weren't leaping at the chance to be her new best friend on that Paris trip a couple years back. You were practically riding her," Michelle teased.  
"For the last time I wasn't riding Charlene Kavanagh. I just though it'd be an opportunity to broaden my horizons, my friendship group.  
"Aye sure ya did," Michelle replied. "Anyway, we better get to class. I'm not about to get myself in any sort of trouble that delays getting out of this school once and for all."  
"Any other sort of trouble is fine though?" Erin asked.  
"Trouble finds me, what can I do?" Michelle sighed dramatically, flinging the door open and walking out into the corridor. Erin followed, glad that for at least a little while, it seemed she had managed to protect her secret.  
"You will come though, to the party?" Michelle asked as they reached the classroom. "It'll be no fun without you."  
"Only for you Michelle," Erin said. "But you'll owe me."

Orla pouted as they split from the group and walked towards their neighbouring houses.  
"I don't see why we have to walk all the way home and then back to Michelle's," Orla muttered.  
"What were you planning to wear to bed otherwise?" Erin pointed out but she expected Orla had some answer for that.  
"My bra and knickers," Orla said. "Or a shirt from Michelle."  
"You can't sleep in a bra and knickers Orla. James will be there."  
"James is always there. I don't see the problem."  
"He's a lad Orla," Erin reminded her.  
"But he's one of the girls," Orla replied, looking confused.  
"He might be one of the girls but he isn't actually a girl," Erin said. She knew that very well.  
"I still could have borrowed a shirt," Orla said.  
"Well we're already halfway home now," Erin reminded her. "And besides I don't want to sleep in somebody else's clothes. Not even yours."  
"I sleep in your clothes all the time."  
"I wish you wouldn't always tell me these things," Erin sighed. "But anyway, you're my cousin. It's different."  
"Will you give me a piggy back home?" Orla asked, seemingly moving on from the topic of clothing.  
"Orla you're nearly 18!"  
"So?" Orla questioned, tilting her head like a sad puppy.  
"So no I will not give you a piggy back ride."  
"You gave Anna one the other day," Orla argued.  
"She's 4," Erin sighed. And under her breath she muttered "God, give me strength."

Thankfully, the girls and James had fallen asleep rather early, at least for them, perhaps because it had been what felt like the longest day at school. Erin woke suddenly, feeling ill yet again. She gently climbed over Orla and Clare, slipping out of Michelle's room and down the hall in darkness to the bathroom. She certainly didn't want to boke all over the carpeted hallway, even Deidre would be asking questions then. Questions that would get back to her Ma. She sat down on the cold tiled floor and waited a few minutes, hoping this wave would pass. When she headed back to Michelle's bedroom she saw a familiar figure standing by the door after Michelle's.  
"Erin, can we talk?" James asked, his voice barely above a whisper so as not to wake the others.  
"Why James?" Erin mumbled. "We've been over this. It was a mistake, it shouldn't have happened and it can't happen again. That's it." She felt sick, all she wanted was to lie back down and hope she could sleep. That it would go away or at least ease off a bit.  
"I just...I'm worried about you," James replied, stepping a little closer to her.  
"Stop being such a dick James," Erin sighed. She knew it would hurt his feelings, knew it was a little cruel but she needed to keep the distance. If she didn't, if he kissed her...she wasn't sure she could keep lying to his face.  
"Erin," he said, grabbing her arm before she could walk off. "Please just talk to me. Don't I deserve that?"  
"No James," Erin said, ripping her arm from his grasp and gingerly making her way over to the far side of Michelle's room by Orla. She lay down curling up into her cousin and waited until she could hear the sound of his retreating footsteps before she relaxed. She could smell the sickly sweet smell of Orla's breath, likely caused by the ridiculous amount of sugary dessert she had consumed earlier in the evening. It made Erin nauseous. She rolled over onto her other side and let herself cry, just a tiny bit.

"Could you at least try to look sexier?" Michelle begged Erin. Erin wore a denim skirt and a plain black sweater. It wasn't fancy but it was comfortable. "This might be our last high school party."  
Erin wanted to say that there was no point because nothing would make her feel very sexy at the moment, not to mention she really wasn't in the mood for that kind of attention. James had already been at her a day, trying to get her to talk to him. Especially after he had caught her coming out of the bathroom again at 5am, having boked yet again. She wanted to blame him, it was at least half his fault. And then there was Clare, fussing because Erin had barely eaten all day, unable to stomach anything more than some lightly buttered toast. She felt a bit dizzy but she shook it off.  
"I don't have anything else to change into," Erin shrugged at Michelle. Michelle who wore a short black dress with long sleeves. Michelle who was made up and bright eyed. Michelle who wasn't dealing with the same thing as Erin.  
"I can fix that," Michelle smiled, digging through her closet and pulling out a similarly short red, lacy dress. "Here, this is perfect."  
"I don't know," Erin said hesistantly.  
"Stop bitching Erin. It'll be grand," Michelle said, shoving the dress into Erin's hand. "And Orla, for Christ sake put the damn knives down before you cut a hole in me bed would you?!"  
"I'm drumming. I'll be careful," Orla replied, continuing to tap the knives against her thighs, sitting on the edge of Michelle's bed.  
"Why were you even in the kitchen?" Michelle asked, giving Erin a look that said 'Hurry up and get dressed.'  
"To get the knives," Orla replied, humming a tune along with her drumming.  
"This dress is far too short," Erin said, looking at herself in the mirror once she had changed clothes. She tugged at the bottom of the dress as if she could magically make it longer by doing so.  
"You can be such a prude," Michelle laughed. "Come on Erin. It suits you! Besides, I need someone to help me pull the lads and with Clare being a lesbian and Orla being...well Orla, you're the only hope I have. Besides, you'd get your fair share of attention in that dress alone."  
"Alright, alright," Erin sighed, throwing her hands in the air to signal defeat. "I'll wear the dress. But once again, you owe me Michelle."  
"Have I ever mentioned how much I love you Erin?" Michelle asked, throwing her arm around Erin's shoulder and leading her downstairs. Orla dropped the knives on the bed and followed them.

Erin had to admit that Charlene did have a beautiful backyard, perfect for a party in the almost summer time. It was much larger than her own, and fairy lights lined the fence, twinkling in the darkness. There were also several hanging and free standing lanterns scattered about. And all Erin could think of was another party nearly 2 months ago. A party that in hindsight, she wished she had never attended.  
"This is cracking," Orla exclaimed. "Look at the pretty fairy lights. I wonder if they'll attract any real fairies."  
"I don't think that's why they call them fairy lights Orla," James said, but Orla just rolled her eyes at him.  
"So, who wants a drink?" Michelle asked eagerly.  
"I'll get them," Erin offered. Easier to hide the fact she wasn't drinking that way. And when nobody argued she walked away towards a table set up with a variety of drinks. Erin had to wonder if Charlene's parents were aware that their daughter was serving alcohol but she determined it didn't really matter. She added vodka to each of the cups, except her own and then topped them off with orange juice. She carefully balanced the cups so she could carry all five and was happy when Clare came toward her to help. The pair walked back to the rest of the group, where Charlene had appeared with a cup of her own in hand.  
"Hi Erin," Charlene said cheerfully. "I was just saying to James and Orla that I saw you come in. Michelle mentioned you were getting drinks. Thanks for coming, it's nice to spend time with everyone. I know we don't get much time together at school. And now with graduation well I thought this would be a nice send off, you know?"  
"Aye, thanks for inviting us," Erin replied.  
"Yeah, your garden is pretty spectacular," Clare added.  
"Yeah, Da's very in to landscaping. He spends most of his weekends out here doing things, changing something around," Charlene replied. "Anyway, how are you feeling about graduation? Any ideas for universities?"  
"Ach, who cares? We've got plenty of time to worry about that," Michelle said.  
"Speak for yourself Michelle," Clare chimed in. "Ma and I already have plans to travel up to Ulster and Belfast to look around. I don't know which I'd prefer yet but Ulster is closer to home so..."  
"Aye, I know what you mean Clare. I'm pretty certain I'll be off to Ulster. Mammy and Da aren't exactly keen on the idea of me going to far abroad just yet. And honestly, I'm a bit nervous about the whole thing if I'm being truthful. I've never been far from home for more than a week," Charlene told them, taking a sip of her drink when she finished speaking.  
"I think I'd like to go to Dublin," Orla said quietly and everybody turned to look at her, surprised.  
"Dublin? Why?" Erin asked. This was the first she had heard of this. Not that she had asked.  
"I like the way it sounds," Orla said. "Dub-lin, Du-blin..."  
"We get it," Michelle interrupted. "But what will you do there?"  
"Mammy thinks I'd make a great psychologist. She said I'm a fantastic listener and I'm very thoughtful."  
"Aunt Sarah also thinks she can tell the future by reading Tarot Cards so..." Erin teased.  
"I'm torn between going somewhere nearby, like Ulster or going back to London. It would be nice to be near Mum again," James interjected. "But I do have a new fondness for Derry. It's certainly become a home to me. And I've found some pretty good reasons to stay around."  
James looked at Erin, as if trying to tell her that she was one of those reasons to stay. She wanted to tell him he shouldn't bother staying nearby for her. She would be far from Derry as soon as she graduated anyway.  
"What about you Erin?" Charlene asked. "You didn't say where you'd like to..."  
"Erin has to come with me," Michelle jumped in. "And we will go wherever the best lads are. Even of that means we go a bit further abroad than the rest of you lot."  
"If you even get into university," Clare replied. James wasn't sure if she was teasing or not.  
"I'm smarter than I look Clare Bear," Michelle said, swallowing the last bit of her drink. "And with that I'm getting another drink."  
Erin watched Michelle walk off into the growing crowd of people and turned to Charlene.  
"I don't know where I'll go, but probably Ulster. That's always been the plan," Erin lied, knowing Ulster was not an option. It was far too close to home and to people she knew, not to mention people who knew and would talk to James.  
"But I heard you arguing with Aunt Mary the other night about going to Manches..." Orla started before Erin elbowed her.  
"Why did you do that?" Orla asked. "I was only saying that you wanted to go to Manchester!"  
"Shut up Orla," Erin said, not that it helped now.  
"Manchester?" James asked curiously. He knew Erin was ambitious, and would not have been surprised if she had said she was considering London but she'd never even mentioned Manchester as a possibility before.  
"Uh... I might go check in on some other people," Charlene said, sensing that an argument might be brewing. "And let me know if I need to hide the vodka from Michelle at some point tonight. Have fun."  
"I was just considering it but Mammy wasn't having it anyway so it's off the table," Erin said, another small lie. It wasn't off the table, it was exactly where she planned to go. Nobody she knew wanted to go anywhere around there, and it was far enough away she was unlikely to run into anyone she knew.  
"But still, why Manchester?" James pressed. He could tell Erin wasn't telling the whole truth, he just didn't understand why.  
"It has a great English program," Erin said. And that was true. She had looked it up, on the chance that one day she could give university a shot.  
"So then you are going to Ulster still?" Clare asked.  
"I think I will," Erin said. She felt bad lying to Clare but it was for the best. And James seemed to relax, like she had soothed him enough with what she had told them.

The group spread out through the night, dancing and drinking and generally enjoying themselves. Erin watched James from the corner of her eye. It was almost deja vu. The last party, after David's gig, Erin had done the same thing while David talked to her. And when James had caught her looking, he had come over to them, that stupid smile on his face. She had fancied him for a long time but it was suddenly less of a big deal with graduation close and when he had asked her to dance with him, she had agreed. That had turned into her kissing him which had...well, there was some pretty concrete evidence to how that had gone. Suddenly Erin felt dizzy again. She knew she should eat something but everytime she went near the food table that was set up, the smell made her physically ill. She had to wonder if it was the same as how the greasy food from the chippy made James feel when he had first arrived in Derry. And then she hated herself for thinking about James. The dizziness didn't fade but feeling nauseous Erin found her way to a quiet, dark part of the garden. She hoped the darkness would help. It didn't and she boked in the garden, glad that no one else was there to see it. Or she thought no one saw.  
"Gee, are you that drunk already?" Michelle asked, a cup in her hand. Erin wanted to tell her to shove it, but she felt like she might faint.  
"I guess...I think I need to go home," Erin said softly, bright spots dotting her vision. She sat down on the grass, leaning against the fence.  
"Hey," Michelle said, her voice laced with sudden concern. "Erin, what's wrong?"  
"I just...I just need to go," Erin murmured, trying to take deep breaths.  
"How much did you drink Erin?" Michelle asked. She wondered if she should be taking Erin to A&E or calling an ambulance even.  
"I didn't," Erin replied, finding that the dizziness had let up a little.  
"What do you mean you didn't? I saw you drinking," Michelle said. "Do you not remember?"  
"No. I mean I didn't drink any alcohol. Just orange juice. I swear."  
"Then what's going on? And why weren't you drinking? That's not like you," Michelle asked, sitting down beside Erin.  
"I can't tell you," Erin said. "But I'll be okay. I just need to go home and sleep."  
"Oh come on. You can tell me anything, and besides I have been drinking so I mightn't even remember tomorrow," Michelle replied.  
"You'd remember this," Erin muttered. She rested her head on Michelle's shoulder, closing her eyes for a moment.  
"Well now, you can't say stuff like that and then not tell me," Michelle said.  
"There you two are," James said. "Why are you hiding out here in the dark? We asked a bunch of people of they'd seen you and...Christ, Erin are you alright?"  
Erin opened her eyes to look at him and that slight motion made her feel bokey once again. She should have forced herself to eat more.  
"She's fine," Michelle said. She knew Erin wasn't but she was slowly connecting the dots and she had an idea. And if she was right, she understood Erin wanting to hide it from them.  
"She doesn't exactly look fine," Clare said pointedly.  
"I'm fine," Erin spoke up, forcing herself to her feet as if to prove it. All that succeeded in doing was bringing back the dizziness, and she fell against James who steadied her.  
"Erin, you're not alright," he said softly, that kind voice that made her heart ache. She knew how much he cared about her, maybe even loved her. But that just made her angry and she pushed away from him.  
"Fuck off James," she said. "I guess I just drank too much."  
"This is your fault," James growled, turning on Michelle. "You're always pushing everybody, encouraging us to drink and do things we don't want to do."  
"Woah dicko. It is not my fault what other people choose to do! And besides, Erin isn't drunk. She just..."  
"I just stood up too fast," Erin said.  
"At least let me walk you home," James pleaded. Maybe if he walked her home, they could talk. Alone. Just them.  
"Do you just not get it James?!" Erin said loudly, attracting a few stares. "I'm fine. I don't need you to help me."  
"Erin, in all fairness to James you don't actually seem like yourself and so..." Clare added.  
"Shut up Clare. Stop being such a goody goody," Erin interrupted and Michelle stepped in the middle of them.  
"Right, Erin. I want to go home, come with me?" Michelle said. "Dicko will find his own way."  
"Fine," Erin said with a frown. She felt all her anger disappear and followed Michelle away from the party. She would have to apologise to Clare. And James. But right now, she just needed to curl up in bed.

"Thank you for walking me home," Erin finally said, breaking the silence that had fallen between her and Michelle the moment they had left the party. She was also annoyed with herself for getting so defensive. Why she couldn't just lie and say it was a stomach flu she didn't know.  
"Well you certainly weren't going to let anyone else. I didn't know you could be so...aggressive," Michelle said. "Besides, someone has to keep you safe. I honestly thought you might actually faint at James' feet earlier."  
"I was just...I guess I didn't eat enough," Erin replied. And she could tell Michelle was dying to ask her one particular question. She could see it from the expression on her friend's face.  
"Go on then, spit it out Michelle," Erin finally said when it became obvious she was waiting for some sort of permission to broach the subject. Erin stopped walking, not wanting to get any closer to home just yet.  
"So...you're pregnant right?" Michelle finally said. Erin had to admit she hadn't expected Michelle to ask so...kindly, her voice giving away how much she cared about Erin.  
"Is it that obvious?" Erin sighed.  
"I mean, it was mostly tonight that made me realise and to be honest I think the rest of that lot just think you're drunk so your secret's probably safe for now," Michelle said. She had stopped beside Erin and now leaned against a brick fence in front of one the houses. "How long have you known?"  
"About a week but Friday morning was when I finally got the courage and the time to actually take the test," Erin admitted. "I didn't sleep after that."  
"Hence the ponytailed, sleep deprived Erin on Friday then?" Michelle smiled. "All makes perfect sense now."  
"Right," Erin replied, leaning against the same brick fence.  
"Is that why you were arguing with your Ma about going to uni in Manchester then?" Michelle asked.  
"How did you even know about that? You were off getting a drink when Orla..."  
"James told me. He's worried about you, like almost obsessively so. It's fucking irritating him crying in my face all the time. I'm pretty confident it's because he rather fancies you, you know? You're the favourite in his eyes, he always asks about you, always brings you up in conversation. And I'm going to get an earful for 'encouraging you to drink' let me tell you," Michelle told Erin. Not that she needed to. Erin already knew James fancied her. Knew it all to well.  
"You know you can't tell him, tell anyone about this right?" Erin suddenly said in a panic. If Michelle told James he would instantly know and he wouldn't just let her disappear if he knew.  
"I swear...on one condition," Michelle said, a smirk on her face. "Who's the fella?"  
"No one you know," Erin lied. "Just some bloke that was at that party David had a couple months back after his gig. It was a one off thing. We were both drunk and..."  
"Wait, did you finally ride David Donnelly?!" Michelle asked, not quite believing it possible.  
"No Michelle, not David. I said you don't know him."  
"Oh no Erin, I know everybody in this town. Especially the lads. I mean I've certainly snogged most of 'em. I even know Macca, and if I didn't know everybody, he does. So tell me or I'll just start asking all the lads if they had sex with Erin Quinn," Michelle argued.  
"I really wish you would just drop it. You're not going to like it," Erin said.  
"It wasn't John Paul was it? I mean honestly I would expect you to have a bit more self respect," Michelle said, thinking of all the fellas she knew in Derry that might have been interested in Erin. And that Erin had an equal interest in.  
"No Michelle, he wasn't even there."  
"Well I didn't see everybody who was there did I? Please put me out of my misery and just tell me?!"  
"And you remember you swear not to say a word. And you can't change your mind once you know who he is," Erin reminded her.  
"You're acting like it's someone I'd actually care...Oh my God!" Michelle said, gasping suddenly.  
"It was James," Erin said, knowing Michelle had come to that conclusion anyway.  
"Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck," Michelle cursed loudly. "How am I fucking supposed to look at him and not tell him Erin?! He lives in the same fucking house! And this...this is like world shattering. You realise you're doing exactly what Kathy did to James' dad?"  
"I'm just trying to protect him," Erin said.  
"Shit. When did...how did I miss this? I mean I knew he was into you but I didn't think it was mutual. That's why he was being oddly protective of you and why he is so worried about you. Christ this is...I can't do this."  
"Please Michelle, you have to," Erin begged, her eyes filling with tears. "He can't know. He has to go to uni and he has to have the life he deserves. You have to agree with that?"  
"I don't fucking know what I think," Michelle said.  
"I'm asking for two more weeks Michelle, just two weeks. And then I'll be out of Derry and it won't matter if you tell him because I'll be gone," Erin said. She hoped he would never know but she at least needed him not to know until there was nothing he could do or say about it.  
"Look, I'll try. I will really try..." Michelle said. "But I don't like it. And you have to tell me where you go, so at least somebody knows where you are."  
"Fine," Erin agreed, sticking out her pinky finger like they did when they were younger. Michelle wrapped her own finger around Erin's, a promise. "But now, can we please get home before I do actually pass out in the street?"  
"Right, yeah. I was taking you home," Michelle said. She hugged Erin, unable to stop herself, and then they walked back to the Quinns.

As it turned out, keeping a secret from somebody who lived with you was a lot easier when everybody was worrying about exams and university applications and what people had planned for the summer. Erin was glad that although still present, the intense nausea seemed to have eased a little. She had forced herself to lie and say she had been drunk, apologising to both James and Clare for her behaviour at the party. Clare seemed all to happy to accept the apology but James...well, she could tell he knew something was still not quite right. And so two weeks managed to speed past and the weekend before graduation arrived.  
"Love, I was thinking, perhaps we could go and pick up a proper dress for your graduation?" Ma Mary asked Erin that Friday evening as they sat eating fish and chips, the ban having been lifted after her Ma painstakingly paid off the damage they had done.  
"Can we afford it?" Erin asked, genuinely concerned. She would feel incredibly guilty taking off in a few days if her Mammy spent a ridiculous amount on a new dress for one evening.  
"Aye Erin, don't you go bothering yourself with that. It'll be your graduation gift. Your Da and I are so proud of our big girl," Mary said. It had hit her recently that Erin would leave, and when her daughter had suggested Manchester as a possibility, it became obvious she couldn't hold on to Erin forever. That perhaps she had even been pushing her daughter away even if tough love had also made Erin the determined, independent woman she was.  
"Thanks Mammy," Erin said. Of all the people she wanted to tell, her Ma was top of the list. But she had already been forced to tell Michelle, and she was certain that if her Ma knew, Mary would be ringing Deidre and probably Cathy too and then James would know. And James couldn't know. That was the top priority.  
"So love, how do you think you went with your exams?" Gerry asked.  
"English was easy but the rest...I'm sure I did reasonably," Erin shrugged. She knew she had done well enough to graduate, that was all that mattered.  
"You should study Journalism," Granda Joe added in, waving a chip in his hand. "Remember when you were editor of the school paper? Most popular issue didn't Orla say?"  
"Maybe," Erin smiled. "I think I'd rather try my hand at creative writing though."  
"Fair go," Aunt Sarah chimed in. "Your diary is always an interesting read."  
"Is there anyone who hasn't read my diary?" Erin groaned. She hadn't written in it for a while thankfully but still.  
"I doubt that wain has," Gerry comforted his daughter, gesturing to Anna. Erin rolled her eyes at him. Everything felt normal. Erin almost wanted to change her mind. She could tell her family, tell James, stay in Derry. But then everybody would know, and she'd be looked down upon and pitied. She didn't want that for herself or anyone else.  
"Excuse me," Erin sighed, pushing her chair back and heading upstairs. Mary watched her daughter go. She had hoped it was just pressure from exams that had made her usually lively daughter seem withdrawn. That Erin would bounce back when they were finished. But that was becoming less likely as time went on.  
"Ach love, she'll talk to us if and when she's ready. But the dress shopping might be exactly what the both of you need," Gerry told his wife. "And if she's still not herself in a week, we can sit down and talk to her together. I promise."

Erin stood in front of the mirror, pinning her hair back and putting the final touches on her make up. Finally she would be able to enjoy a night with her friends, knowing she would leave tomorrow. She had packed a bag and hidden it under her bed, made sure she had enough money to get herself set up. Thankfully for her, she had taken a summer job the previous year and saved a decent amount of money. The burgundy dress she had chosen with her Ma nearly a week ago fit perfectly. A little part of her hoped James would like it.  
"Are you ready love?" Mary called from downstairs. "Everyone's waiting."  
Erin took a deep breath, smiled at her reflection and went down to her family. Orla wore an emerald green dress that actually looked rather normal and plain for Orla. She had to assume her Ma had something to do with that. Aunt Sarah was still fussing with Orla's curls and muttered something about breaking a nail. Erin would miss this she realised suddenly. Reality hit and it hit hard. This choice she was making was tough but then this situation was tougher. And there were no good choices.

The girls milled around afterwards, graduation gowns over their dresses and suit for James.  
"See I told you I would graduate," Michelle beamed, glaring at Clare. "I'm smarter than you think."  
"Can we not argue for tonight?" Erin interrupted before Clare could say anything back.  
"Okay. Well, first weekend of summer. I suggested we take a trip somewhere. Camping or something," James said. Really he hoped it would mean he could finally talk to Erin alone. He just wanted to know what was going on with her. She had brighten up a lot over the past couple of weeks but she was still holding something back. Not to mention Michelle wouldn't make eye contact with him anymore. Erin must have said something about him to Michelle but he couldn't begin to imagine what. And besides, he still had feelings for Erin. And sometimes he caught her staring and thought she did too.  
"I love camping," Orla said, suddenly interested in the conversation. "Just got to watch out for tigers."  
"Once again Orla, it was a greyhound," Erin said.  
"I never seen a greyhound like that before," Orla replied. "And besides a greyhound is basically a wolf isn't it? So still a wild animal."  
"There is just so much wrong with that statement," Erin replied, shaking her head.  
"If we promise to watch out for tigers and wolves," James said, looking directly at Orla for that part. "Camping? We can leave tomorrow afternoon."  
The girls agreed and Erin felt guilty for lying. But at least this would be the last time she would have to lie.

She barely slept that night. Michelle knew she was leaving, knew she was taking the first bus to Belfast in the morning, which happened to be at about 6am. She had already told her parents she was going to get some things for camping which Orla had not stopped talking about. She would have to call them at some point but for now she just wanted to be free to go. And when it was time, she locked the door behind her and left without a goodbye.

That morning at around 8am, James woke and walked to the bathroom. It was on his way back that he saw something strange through Michelle's half open door.  
"What are you doing?" He asked her curiously.  
Michelle looked up from the book she had bought at a second hand bookstore. She tossed it across the room and rolled over onto her stomach, looking at her cousin. A part of her still couldn't believe that he had slept with Erin and not told anyone. It seemed like a practical joke. Nobody ever wanted to ride James, he was the wee English lad who went to the girls school. Exceptions included Katya and apparently now Erin. Still, she felt bad lying to him even if it lying by omission.  
"Nothing. What are you doing up?" Michelle asked.  
"I had to pee if you must know," James replied. "Were you reading? By choice? And on a weekend no less?" He stifled a laugh.  
"No," Michelle scoffed. She had seen the book while she had been waiting for Clare to pick a new classic to buy. And she had gone back alone later to buy it. Partly because she knew Erin hadn't told anyone else and maybe if she read a book on what to expect she could be of some help. The baby would be like a niece to her. And also because she was curious. She liked to know things even if it didn't always seem that way.  
"I saw you with the book in your hand. I saw you throw it away," James pointed out.  
"Shut up dicko," Michelle retorted. Just don't go and pick it up, she thought. The second James stepped closer Michelle jumped up and grabbed the book before he could. And that would have been it if James hadn't been both stronger and taller than Michelle.  
"Show us Michelle," James asked. He was sick of people keeping secrets. Erin was doing it and now Michelle.  
"Fuck off," she said, pushing him away with little success.  
"Oh come on. It can't be that bad, it's just a book," James said, trying to pry it from her hands. "Christ, it's not some erotic fiction or something is it?"  
Michelle should have said yes when he said that but she was panicking and instead said in a voice that was clearly a warning "James, don't."  
Which of course made him need to see the book even more. He yanked hard and the book slipped from Michelle's grasp. She watched as he looked down at the cover, his brows furrowed. He was silent for what seemed like a lifetime.  
And then unexpectedly, at least to Michelle, he sat down gently on her bed and said, his voice clearly full of concern, "Michelle are you pregnant?"  
"Really?" She asked, surprised he hadn't immediately put it together yet. "No James, I'm not."  
James noted the way she emphasised the I when she spoke. But he wasn't sure he believed her. Not yet.  
"Then why are you reading a book about what to expect when you're pregnant? Doesn't seem like your normal material...which is magazines if you read at all."  
"I won't tell Aunt Deidre you know. You can tell me the truth," James told her.  
"Jesus fucking Christ James, I said it once. I'll say it again. I am not pregnant!" Michelle said, hoping she hadn't spoken too loudly.  
"Then it's someone we..." James started but then stopped. Michelle could see him figure it out, knew what was coming next. And she wouldn't lie if he asked a direct question. Besides, Erin would have left for Belfast already. "It's Erin, isn't it?"  
Michelle knew Erin was going to murder her for breaking the promise but seeing her cousin with his heartbroken face was too much. "Yes."  
"How long have you known?" James asked, suddenly all of Erin's behaviour made so much sense. He couldn't believe how stupid he had been to not see it earlier.  
"A couple of weeks," Michelle admitted.  
"And you didn't tell me?" James replied. He was sure if he was angry or not yet.  
"She begged me not to and she's one of my best friends. I'm sorry. But she needed someone."  
"I'm someone," James pointed out. "I'm more than someone!"  
"I have to talk to her," James said, standing up. "I have to...what the hell am I supposed to do?"  
"Hey, it's alright. I know you care, so does she. But are you sure going to talk to her right now is the best idea?" Michelle said. She had promised Erin she wouldn't tell him until after Erin had reached Manchester. And she had almost made it that long. But if James went over to the Quinns now, he would know she had left and having gotten his driver's license recently she had no doubt he would borrow the car if he needed to. So stalling him seemed the only option.  
"Yes. Yes, I have to talk to her now. No point putting it off," James said, walking out of Michelle's room. Before she could say anything else he had grabbed his jacket and slammed the door behind him.

James was breathing heavily by the time he reached the Quinns. He knew it was still early and Erin might be in bed especially given there was no reason to get up early on a Saturday. He waited a few moments before knocking on the door.  
"Morning James," Gerry said. "What can I do for you?"  
"I'm looking for Erin actually," James said. He liked Gerry enough, would normally not be so blunt but today wasn't normal.  
"She's left for Belfast already. She didn't mention it?" Gerry asked. "Said she was getting some things for your camping trip."  
"Right...I must have forgotten. I'll come back later then," James said. He knew what she was doing. She was running away. Just like his mother had done to his father. Except James wasn't his father, and he wasn't letting Erin get away so easily.

"You know this is insane," Michelle said as James sped down the road. "We might not even get there before the bus leaves."  
"What else am I supposed to do? Just let her go?" James asked. He was still angry at Michelle for keeping this from him. She should have known how much this would hurt him.  
"And what if she leaves anyway? What if we drive for these couple of hours and get there and you talk to her and she still goes?" Michelle said.  
"I don't fucking know Michelle. I only found out about all of this a couple hours ago and only because you were too stupid to close your damn door," James yelled, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the steering wheel.  
"First of all, calm down before you kill us both. And second, I know you're angry and hurting but calling me stupid is a bit low for you James," Michelle sighed.  
"And lying is a bit low of you," he replied gruffly.  
"Right," Michelle said and then they fell into an uncomfortable silence. They both clearly wanted to say more but neither was talking first.

Erin sat in the small transit centre, waiting for the next bus. She checked the time of arrival several times but it never changed. She did not enjoy waiting.  
"What the fuck Erin!" came a familiar voice that made her jump because she was not expecting it. James strode towards her, Michelle trailing behind looking incredibly guilty. "What was the plan here? To just fucking leave without a word? Sod off to Manchester and pretend I don't exist?!"  
"James can we not do this now?" Erin begged, several people staring at the three teenagers.  
"When would you like to do this Erin? Because I want to do this now."  
"We're in public," Erin hissed.  
"And who's fault is that?" James huffed, his hands in his pockets. Erin knew he was angry but he was still being unfair.  
"James I..." Erin started. An older gentleman had walked over.  
"You alright love?" He asked, looking between her and James.  
"Aye, he was just leaving," Erin replied, glaring at James.  
"The hell I was," James replied. "I'm not leaving without you. So either you come back to Derry or I'm coming to Manchester."  
"Young man, she asked you to leave. I think you should respect the young lass," the gentleman said.  
"Butt out would ya," Michelle told him and he looked concerned but backed away a little. "And James, calm the fuck down."  
"Did you tell him I was here?" Erin asked Michelle.  
"No I swear. He went to your house."  
"Why?" Erin asked, even though it was very clear what Michelle had done.  
"Because she told me the truth," James said before Michelle could. "I had to find out from Michelle. Do you know how much that sucks Erin?"  
"I..."  
"You're so selfish. I don't know why I ever loved you," James said loudly.  
"Wait...what?" Erin said. She knew he fancied her sure but loved her? That was not what she expected.  
"Forget it. Fuck off to Manchester. Just like my mother did. And look how well I turned out," James said, turning and walking out. Michelle looked between them and then went after James, mostly because she did not want to have to catch the bus back home and she wasn't sure it was safe for James to be alone. Erin stood there, trying to come to terms with what had happened in the last couple of minutes. Then she followed after them.

James kicked the car tyre and then sat on the pavement against the cold metal side. Michelle slid down to sit beside him.  
"Nice one," Michelle said. "You really are a dick sometimes."  
"What do you want?"  
"Other than making sure we get Ma's car back in one piece, I want you to be okay. But was storming in and yelling at Erin really the best option?"  
"Probably not but I...its not fair Michelle," James replied  
"Life isn't fair James. But however hard this is for you, it's harder for Erin. Just think about that."  
"I don't think it matters. She's never going to come back now. I wouldn't," James sighed, running a hand through his curls.  
"You don't know me very well then," Erin said. She had spotted Deidre's car and the two cousins sitting on the ground beside it. It was as if there was a huge amount of traffic yet. "Look, I'm sorry. I know I should have told you but I was trying to help you. I didn't want you to give up everything for me. I still don't want that."  
"And you should give up everything?" James asked.  
"I don't have much of a choice," Erin said but she smiled. "Did you mean what you said before? That you love me?"  
"Jesus Erin, I've loved you for nearly two years. Of course I meant it," James said and then he laughed. "Did you not know?"  
"I mean I knew you fancied me but love is...different," Erin said, feeling her cheeks redden. Michelle made a gagging sound and Erin rolled her eyes.  
"I can't go back to Derry James," Erin admitted. "I can't have everyone know. I need to be somewhere people don't know me."  
"Just come back for a few days. We can figure out something," James said. He understood why she might not want to stay in Derry forever. "We could go to London. At least we would have somewhere to live there," James said.  
"London would be very far away," Erin said softly.  
"And Manchester was a better option?" James asked.  
"No. No it wasn't."  
"So you'll come back?" James asked, standing up.  
"For one week. Then I'm leaving Derry with or without a plan," Erin sighed. She couldn't very well say no with James and his sad little puppy dog eyes right there in front of her.  
"Well this was overwhelming sweet and disgusting," Michelle said, jumping back up from her spot. "Can we go now?"  
"Fine, but you're sitting in the back," Erin told her, reaching for the passenger door before Michelle could reply. "You owe me for your broken promise."


End file.
